Tough Week

First week back to homeschooling. Been doing this for 10 years this year! I can't believe it. People always ask, "How do you do it?" To them, my response remains the same; "I don't know."
I work 45 hours a week for LCBC Church, a job that I absolutely love...most days.
We are blessed with a 10 acre farmette and a big house that is a lot of maintenance. Until I get through cleaning, I start all over again. Until I get through mowing, I mow all over again. You know the deal.
I have 4 kids ages almost 13-5. They are all on different levels of learning. Some more cooperative than others. Some more challenging and tearfully driven than others. Some just want to play...and I am cool with that, if it is the 5 yr old.
I have a love for photography and over the past year have dove into it enough to keep me busy. Editing, editing, editing!
And then there are expectations of family. You know, the typical, "I really hope you can be there." "Can you help me with this because you are good at it?"
Not to mention sports and extra stuff (which we limit). But then you also have to be a wife. Geeze, who threw that one in there? As if there isn't enough pressure from the above.
I have to say that, daily, yes daily, I fail at all of the above. Some days more than others.
When you are a semi-perfectionist, clean freak, organizational natzi-like, high expectational woman....it sets the bar pretty stinken high.
Sometimes I feel like screaming. Other times, crying. Most times, laughing.
I can tell you one thing, if you are thinking I should "drop things," I have.
I have dropped co-op. A 3 hour outside class for kids for 20 weeks a year. We did co-op with 30 other homeschooling families for the last 8 years. Kids loved it. Lots of work. More pressure. However, this year, I decided to take a break. In it's place: 3 other classes outside in which transportation and accountability is required. However, I do not have teach additional classes and I keep my Wed mornings free to teach at home. I think that is a win. Verdict still pending.
You see, it has been a pattern of mine since arriving on this temporary earth, that I always have my "hands in multiple things."
There once was a 7yr business of consignment shop in Lititz. Then there were 3 nursing jobs at one time (mental health, orthopedics, and gastroenterology). I think I tried baking my own bread and growing my own food too, but that lasted a day so the memories are blurry. No matter what the future holds, I know I'll be answering the "How do you do it" question with the same answer, "I don't know." I do know that only by the grace of Jesus am I saved and forgiven.
Forgiven of messing up everyday. Forgiven of yelling at my kids because I am editing and they want my undivided attention to answer about whether or not they can eat a piece of cheese. Forgiven for forgetting that one of my staff members already answered my question 14 times. Forgiven that I send a not so nice email and can't get it back before the person gets it. Forgiven that I don't spend enough time with my Dad. Forgiven that I don't offer all my pictures for FREE, even after being told to do so. Forgiven that I missed my kids downloading 172 applications for their IPOD that I didn't approve of. Forgiven that I almost forgot to put the money out for the toothfairy to give to Addy. Forgiven for bugging my husband about the trash but forgot to kiss him for 2 days. Forgiven for crying while I write this. Forgiven for jumping on my computer before I've spent time with God. Forgiven that my kids are failing their subjects within the first week of school because they are. Forgiven for thinking it's my fault that they aren't doing ok. Forgiven for thinking that I can fix them instead of them learning the hard way. Forgiven for assuming that I have total control over my life and that I should be thinking that nothing will ever go wrong with homeschooling. Forgiven for secretly wanting to tell anti-homeschooling smart mouthed people who think I am destroying my kids that I hope their kids fail public school.
I am really not sure how others who don't know forgiveness can survive daily. I can't remember much before Jesus swept me off my feet and made me realize that I can't do life alone. But I pretty much assume that I'd be somewhere else and incredibly lost.
Thank you Jesus for saving me, forgiving me, and helping me realize how I need you daily. I can't do this alone.

I think next week should be better. The forecast says so.